No matter how old I get, I am still learning to accept and be 'ok' with life with CF. Each time I think I've got it down, I seem to learn new things about balancing my health and my life. These last few days, as there have been lots of fires around and smoke in the air (see my previous post about that), I've had to take a step back and get away from my normal life and thus allow my body to come first. I spent about 24 hours feeling very ill and not breathing well- It's a difficult thing emotionally to realize that my body must dictate what I do, where I go and even in this specific case, whether or not I can be outside!
I've been battling the last few days the idea that it's so frustrating to have a job and not be able to do it (i'm not able to work because all my classes that I interpret take place outside, so I can't be out breathing the smoke). I want so badly to be independent and self-sufficient yet each time I turn around, I just can't and my body/CF get in the way. I want so badly to live that normal life- be just fine outside in the smoke, go and do what I would normally do and feel like I am functioning normally, feel like I can contribute to society with working, playing and being as I always am.
Don't get me wrong--I've been so blessed to have a place to retreat to with family, away from LA and away from the smoke. It's been good for me to let my body and lungs heal and not expose my lungs to more terrible toxins. And by all means, I don't want my complaining to be overshadowed by my gratitude that I am taken care of physically and that God has met my amazing needs in caring for my body. I am so grateful to be able to take care of the body God's given me...however, I just want to express the interesting battle that goes on inside me. For those of you who may not know much about CF, this is a little taste of some of the emotional frustrations that go alongside being an adult with this disease...
Above all, I am grateful God continues to give me grace through my frustration and until a cure is found for CF, I'll just keep on learning to balance my care for my body and my living a 'normal' life in society...I may not always like this battle for balance, but at the end of the day, I am still learning.